There were a lot of things that I assumed about parenting before I was a parent or even pregnant. I was certain that I would be a fantastic mother and I would do everything well. I was positive that those with misbehaved children or struggles were at fault for their own struggles and it was simply bad parenting to blame. I did not believe that ADHD was a true, real disorder. I believed that it was simply the result of our modern day society and those that were medicated for the disorder were done so by parents and teachers that had given up. Boy was I wrong.
My son was born at 39 weeks, I went into labor at the movie theater. He is my third child so I was truly a professional at this point; I knew all the tricks and hints and I could raise a child without struggle because my two daughters (3 and 4) were fantastically well behaved, calm and healthy. So of course this child, my husband's first, would be well behaved and thrive like a newly planted apple tree. I was a fantastic mother.
As soon as my son was born, I learned that I was a fucking idiot. From his week long stay at the hospital to his severe speech delay, I learned that my ease of parenting was not because I was so wonderful, but rather my children were healthy and did not struggle physically or mentally. My son struggled through development from being a late walker to having behaviors I had never seen before. As each day passed, I realized that I was not the fantastic mother that I thought I was and I really had no idea what I was doing. My daughter potty training herself at 18 months was not because I was raising her right but because that's just who she is.
I knew from the beginning that something was different about him. He struggled through development and barely met milestones. But most noticeably, he was as active as a cat in a bag and as mischievous as they come. As a toddler, he would run through the kitchen and sweep everything off the counter and watch it all crash to the floor. He never truly "sat down and played". He pretty much stood or ran all day long.
He only sat down when he was strapped in a stroller although he would throw his body weight in a stroller and knock it over in an attempt to escape which caused us to have to abandon using a stroller altogether. When we went in public, my husband and I divided and I would take responsibility of the girls while he spent the entire outing shadowing our son's every move.
As my son grew into a preschooler, he began to run less but became more out of control. He was unpredictable around other children and animals. He dumped out the flour container, broke the couch, threw rocks, bit and only sat still when using a tablet. He refused foods of strong flavors and had a very restricted diet, so he began to eat with a tablet as that was the only way he would hold still long enough to eat an adequate amount of food. I polled other parents and they all assured me that it was normal for a boy, he was "just a boy" and he would outgrow his struggles.
He is a very intelligent child and I knew that he was not a bad child at heart. When he accidentally broke dishes and toys, he would apologize immediately and regret what had happened. He was not a picky eater for sport but actually would vomit if he tasted something too strong in flavor. I knew something was off. But I was assured over and over that it was "normal" and I knew I was really bad at this parenting gig so I was sure that it also had to do with my inability to care for him properly.
Before preschool began, there was a day of orientation in the classroom. I debated bringing him with me but I knew that he would be running through the classroom and I wanted to actually focus on the material being learned at the meeting. He was the only child to not attend the orientation and I felt terrible. On the first day of school, I told the teacher that he was a bit of a handful. She smiled and assured me that he would be fine. I waved goodbye and went home.
When I picked him up three hours later, his teacher expressed great worry regarding his behavior. After a week, I decided to schedule an evaluation with a psychiatrist. The appointment wasn't for a few months but as the weeks went on, his teacher began to implement a starter unofficial IEP with goals such as sitting on the carpet for 30 seconds. She assigned a classroom aide to him that shadowed him at a distance and helped him 1:1 with modified classwork. He began receiving speech services and by the end of the year he had an official IEP. He was extremely behind academically.
The meeting with the psychiatrist was an hour long. My son spent the appointment nearly climbing up the walls and touched everything in the room. He sat in the psychiatrists lap off and on and yelled "poop" repeatedly. The psychiatrist suspected ADHD and possible Autism Spectrum Disorder. We began seeing a therapist and the psychiatrist regularly.
The following school year, I brought him to his first day of school. I told the teacher that he had been diagnosed with ADHD and I was told by other staff members that she was the best Kindergarten teacher for him. She called an IEP meeting the first week of school. We sat down the following Monday and she expressed her frustration. He was chewing on everything in his desk and he was so hyper that he couldn't sit down in his chair. She didn't have a full time aide so he was often left to his own devices because she had 19 other students to supervise. He only did work on days that he had a 1:1 aide which was anytime she had a classroom volunteer. He was making zero progress academically and the school staff heavily advised that I medicate him pronto.
It was obvious to me that he wasn't functioning at school at all. I had decided years ago that I would not medicate for ADHD however as I sat there at the table in his classroom with the school personnel, I realized that my son was struggling in every aspect of his life from being isolated on the playground to chewing his way through Kindergarten. So I decided to make the jump. I had to help him.
At 5 years old, we began medications slowly in small doses which were gradually increased over time. I never told his teacher when there was a medication change or a dose increase, I simply asked "How was today?" throughout the week and gauged her reaction as a guide to his medication. He didn't respond to the first medication and the second medication made him sleep for 18 hours. His teacher generally gave me the same report when I asked; the day was a regular day which meant he struggled tremendously and barely participated with the group. Eventually though, with the third medication, she began to mention changes.
He had stopped chewing so much. He had stopped cutting holes in his shirt every day at school. He had started to sit in his chair and he was able to participate in the lesson being taught. He didn't require as much assistance at school and he was able to participate in the classroom nearly independently. He still required 1:1 assistance for school work and he was still terribly behind his peers, but for the first time in his life he was in control of his body.
His impulse control improved and he stopped getting into so much mischief. Kids started to say hello to him in the hallways. The school year ended within weeks of finally finding a good medication and he was very behind his peers academically. He is still the most active child in class and he still struggles in every area of his life, but he was finally given the tools he needed to move forward in life as a child and human being when so much had been holding him back.
In the morning during breakfast, before he takes his medication, the medication is completely out of his system and he is back to being out of control. He requires constant supervision and some mornings leave me in tears. After school, the medication is nearly gone and wears off gradually as the night grows on until he is doing flips off the back of the couch at 8:00 p.m. But while he is on medication, he is control of his body and choices. He still requires help and extra attention however he is able to perform basic tasks without assistance and he finally is able to play well with his peers.
I get advice often about what I should and should not do with him. I have been told to cut out certain food ingredients and give him certain vitamins or shakes. I found this difficult to do considering his tendency to vomit with strong flavors and limit is willingness to eat food to a mere 15 basic food items, 5 (or so) of which he becomes "stuck on" and eats them constantly for weeks or months on end. The medication also makes his appetite incredibly small and there are times when I let him eat whatever because he needs to eat something rather than nothing. But his already limited diet was complicated and stressful without experimenting with different ingredients.
I used to believe that ADHD was the result of terrible parenting and the medication was a tranquilizer. However, a child with ADHD has a different brain function than a child without. A child with ADHD lacks an extraordinary amount of energy so they feel the constant need to be active in order to stay awake. The medication is a stimulant which gives them the ability to have the necessary energy to stay awake and not necessary to be in constant motion to avoid sleep. Instead of the medication putting my son to sleep, it was giving him the energy necessary to function in life.
Over the years, as a mother, I have learned that my children are their own spirits and I am simply a guide. They are amazing in their own way when given the tools needed to succeed and I have learned that every child is different, including the screaming child in the grocery store. I used to believe that I was a fantastic, perfect, top-notch parent but I got knocked off my high horse pretty hard. Knowing what I know now, I do not regret starting medication and I hope that he approves of this choice when he is old enough to decide for himself if he should take the medication or not, but for now, I am making that choice and I am choosing to give my son ADHD medication.
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