Somewhere between the Oregon Trail and Pokémon,the millennial generation lost the desire to use a top sheet. Like some sort of unspoken rule, millennials began to untuck and kick the top sheet to the foot of the bed as a young child and that was just the beginning of their oppostional hostile takeover of society.
As these children grew into adults, their continued rejection of the top sheet caused them to either tuck the topsheet away, donate it or avoid buying one altogether. But our capitalistic society insists on selling most sheets in matching sets which include a topsheet, bottom sheet and 2 pillow cases. Depending on your selection and budget, a top sheet may haunt your bed, your closet or anywhere else you’ve shoved it. These top sheets add up and soon they will take over your small shoebox apartment. Overflowing with top sheets, you may find yourself wondering what to do with all of them. Here are some ideas on how to recycle your top sheets:
1 Use the sheet to create a banner for your next political rally.
2 Cut the sheet to create a protective facemask to block the pepper spray.
3 Bring the sheet with you to your internship and use it as a makeshit bed when your boss threatens blackmail if you don’t continue to work through the night.
4 Cut out eye holes and use as a disguise to infiltrate a KKK rally.
5 Hang from the ceiling of your shithole apartment to divide and hide the fact that you have to have a roommate at 29 years old in order to survive.
6 Create a long term goal graph of how you’re going to pay off your student loan debt. Be sure to highlight the times you have attempted to consolidate the debt and the times you have had to file for bankruptcy only for the student loans to follow you to your fresh start. Surprise!
7 Fasten to the corners of your patio to hide your cannabis plant that’s growing in a pot.
8 Use as a bag to carry the food items you pick up from the food pantry.
9 Use as a bag to carry your shame and disappointment.
10 Fold into a pillow and get comfortable in your car as you sleep in a parking lot to finally get some rest after working your two jobs for 14 days straight that you spent 4 years in college in order to be a temporary intern at.
11 Use the corners to wipe away your tears as your bank account reaches $0 and your rent is raised again.
12 Cover your used cigarette burned sofa when Mom comes over and you have to play it off like everything is fine and you are a well adjusted adult with a decent sofa and superb mental health.
13 Roll up in the sheet like a sushi roll when a wave of clinical depression hits and you spend four weeks laying in bed binge watching Hulu as your life falls apart.
14 Throw them at politicians.
15 Tie them together to create a chain of resistance across the country.
16 Carry the sheet with you to your next Air B&B stay to use as an extra blanket lest your hotel-industry-killing vacation becomes chilly.
17 Cover your father’s golf equipment as your throw it in the dumpster and do your part in killing the golf industry one putter at a time.
18 Keep as a safety flag in preparation for when democracy crumbles. Can be used as a tent in extreme situations.
19 Throw them into the harbor.
20 Store beard grooming equipment with ease and cover your pillows so your blue hair doesn’t bleed on them.
While top sheets, with their intended purpose, have little presence in our every day lives, they can certainly be used alternatively which keeps them out of the landfill. Your shit paycheck prevents you from ever dreaming of a house with a large linen closet and you’ll forever be stuck in your studio apartment with only one shelf for sheets. By eliminating the top sheets, you can have more room to store your nostalgic toys from your childhood and your used book collection that you will eventually read “some day”. As you slave away after spending years in school and thousands on your future, your top sheet can serve other purposes beyond the capitalist use of being a unnecessary bed blanket. So get your top sheets off the bedroom floor and put them to good use.
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