With nine different symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder has 256 different variations. Some are introverted while others may be the life of the party. Some experience dissociation or paranoia while others do not. Meeting one person with BPD is just that, meeting one person, one version of over two hundred flavors. Everyone is different.
However, one fascinating topic that comes up frequently in unofficial discussion of BPD is the “Favorite Person” phenomenon, or simply “FP”. While not an official symptom, the occurrence of this unofficial experience is common and it is a topic that has been written about in books and publications. So what is an FP?
When a person has BPD, their emotions are extremely intense. Included in this intensity can be an intense bond with another person. This bond is unlike a typical friendship or relationship. It is not having a best friend or being deeply in love with your boyfriend. Having an FP is intense and can be dangerous at times.
When the FP phenomenon happens, it is often fast. Nearly overnight, the person with BPD becomes absolutely obsessed with this new person in their life. It could be a coworker, a relative or a new friend. The often one-sided intense connection is far beyond a typical relationship.
The person with BPD forms such an intense bond with their FP that they become emotionally dependent on them for purpose, self esteem, acceptance and approval. They seek their FP’s approval like an eager child tries to please their teacher. At their FP’s request, the person with BPD may change their appearance or personality for acceptance and approval. They live to please their FP.
This can lead to major problems in the relationship and may even fuel an abusive relationship. Like Harley Quinn to The Joker, the person with BPD is nearly willing to do anything to please their FP, even if that means breaking laws or enduring abuse. They live and breathe for the love of their FP.
As with the seasons of life, relationships change and people that may be good friends one day may move away the next. The nearly inevitable abandonment of all relationships leads the person with BPD to a panicked frenzy for day their FP abandons them. If there is a threat, real or imagined, the person with BPD will make frantic efforts to prevent abandonment, even threatening self harm or suicide at times.
The dramatic relationship is often one sided so while the FP may be a benign coworker, the person with BPD may secretly believe they are desperately in love and hang on every word. However, any kind of rejection from their FP results in an extreme response of self hate, self harm, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and more. A simple unanswered text message could lead to an emotional breakdown and a look of disapproval may result in suicidal behaviors. The person with BPD seeks to please their FP at almost any cost.
This unhealthy relationship is a codependent nightmare. The person with BPD depends on their FP for love and approval. They may shut down and barely function when their FP is not around or unavailable. Their inability to function on their own can feed an abusive relationship and make it even more dangerous. The person with BPD may have more than one FP at the same time or several over a lifetime. This uncontrollable bond can develop overnight and can lead to unhealthy and abusive behavior both as a victim but also as an abuser.
Having an FP is nothing to desire. This emotional roller coaster relationship dictates a person’s emotions and day to day life. It puts a tremendous and unfair amount of pressure on the FP and the obsession can lead to stalking in some extreme cases. While some learn to maintain a healthy relationship with their FP, others may go down a bad path of being abusive or abused.
We all want to have strong relationships however an FP relationship takes it to the extreme. This relationship can lead to pain and suffering of both parties while laying the groundwork for an abusive relationship. Of course, as with most with BPD they may one day lose all emotions for their FP for no explainable reason and suddenly develop a new FP relationship with a different person. An FP can be a neighbor, a friend or they may not even love or even notice the person with BPD. This unhealthy relationship is a situation to be worked through and corrected as no person should be so emotionally dependent on another that they are literally willing to risk their life for a small ounce of acceptance and approval. A healthy bond should be the goal of every relationship and those dealing with the FP phenomenon can experience extreme obsession and even abuse.
